Reboot

Jayber’s one man mission to get everyone back blogging has slowly been wearing me down. I stopped blogging when it became another thing to put on the to-do list and an outlet for my perfectionism rather than creativity and honest expression.

2013 was a year of the small and the necessary. I began the year with burn-out, an holistic exhaustion, and I have spent the rest of the year slowing clawing my way back to health and wholeness and preventing relapse. It’s been a year of saying ‘no’, being careful, living life with very wide margins. But it’s begun to feel like those margins are so wide they haven’t left a whole lot of space in the middle to actually live. The fear of burn out has begun to make life boring.

2014 is about coming out of survival mode. I have no idea how to do this. In the past 15 years I have had chronic fatigue, two episodes of depression and now burn-out and it often feels like they have permanently left me depleted. As each one came, decimated me and then passed, my battery never seemed to fully recharge back to its previous level. I marvel at my fellow students who manage to do this degree with full-time jobs, or my friends in church who combine busy home lives with running various ministries. I don’t seem to have that extra gear. Or perhaps what the fatigue, the depression and the burn-out have taught me is to stop pushing myself, that striving never ends up any place good.

So here I am between my own particular rock and hard place: I’m done with surviving, but how do I live without striving? (unintentional rhyme, I promise). Perhaps that’s where I am with blogging too; somewhere between needing the discipline of it to stimulate creativity but not wanting the discipline to become another burden to carry.
I’m tempted by a return to 365ing- it’s like the all-bran of blogging, keeping you brief and regular. But perhaps if Jayber’s blog revival evangelism takes hold then the blogosphere itself will create a conversation worth following and inspire us all.

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7 thoughts on “Reboot

  1. Espero, so glad to read your posts again. Jayber is getting to me too but I feel so much in the small dailyness of life and indeed survival to have anything to write but maybe I will soon. I laugh when I read your statement about wondering how others do it and not having that extra gear… That’s what I think when I look at you! Ah sure we’re all bonkers. Let me know when you figure out how to move beyond survival mode. I’ll let you go first just incase it’s dangerous;-)

  2. Thanks Lorrs, I must admit I’d love to hear about the small dailyness of your life, maybe it would help me not miss you so much!!
    A friend was reminding me of that beautiful (but made cheesy through over and inaccurate use) saying ‘a ship is safe in the harbour, but that is not what ships are for’. It connected with that part of me that longs to be out in the waves, ready for adventure, coming home with tales to tell. I have dim memories of living like that once upon a time, before I had three kids. Do you think it’s possible, in the day to day of family life, to be the boat out on the waves?

  3. I am so glad to read your words again too Debsie… and Lorraine I didn’t know you had a blog! Hope JM keeps wearing you down…
    I have to admit I tend to think “I’m glad I HAD so many adventures”, as if they have been replaced forever with that small dailyness of life, and that their memory will keep me from becoming bitter on the days we are all still in our jammies at noon…
    It’s a good question Debs. Adventure for me was largely something I went AWAY to do, and liked to do on my own so I have no idea what that looks like in the day to day family life. I don’t feel ‘free’ any more and that seems to have taken my adventurous spirit.
    I feel like I have been learning about the beauty and the grace and the good in the everyday (The Quotidian Mysteries by Kathleen Norris has helped me find God and glory in the survival days)…. but adventure? Don’t think that’s on my radar yet! Any more thoughts?

  4. If I’m honest I don’t really want adventure. The word adventure is genuinely synonymous with danger to me. I spend my days trying to AVOID adventures, to the point where I may even avoid going outside at all! I think I feel even more like this since having a baby. My insides are cloaked in a distant but ever present fear that something bad will happen to him, to me, to Andy to anyone I love really. I want to be safe damn it! I don’t want to go to Narnia! God has a LOT of work to do!

  5. I get this, too.

    Now here I am today about to return to work in the morning after mat leave… that in itself feels like more adventure than I need. What was wrong with jammies until noon? what was I thinking?!

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