Jayber’s one man mission to get everyone back blogging has slowly been wearing me down. I stopped blogging when it became another thing to put on the to-do list and an outlet for my perfectionism rather than creativity and honest expression.
2013 was a year of the small and the necessary. I began the year with burn-out, an holistic exhaustion, and I have spent the rest of the year slowing clawing my way back to health and wholeness and preventing relapse. It’s been a year of saying ‘no’, being careful, living life with very wide margins. But it’s begun to feel like those margins are so wide they haven’t left a whole lot of space in the middle to actually live. The fear of burn out has begun to make life boring.
2014 is about coming out of survival mode. I have no idea how to do this. In the past 15 years I have had chronic fatigue, two episodes of depression and now burn-out and it often feels like they have permanently left me depleted. As each one came, decimated me and then passed, my battery never seemed to fully recharge back to its previous level. I marvel at my fellow students who manage to do this degree with full-time jobs, or my friends in church who combine busy home lives with running various ministries. I don’t seem to have that extra gear. Or perhaps what the fatigue, the depression and the burn-out have taught me is to stop pushing myself, that striving never ends up any place good.
So here I am between my own particular rock and hard place: I’m done with surviving, but how do I live without striving? (unintentional rhyme, I promise). Perhaps that’s where I am with blogging too; somewhere between needing the discipline of it to stimulate creativity but not wanting the discipline to become another burden to carry.
I’m tempted by a return to 365ing- it’s like the all-bran of blogging, keeping you brief and regular. But perhaps if Jayber’s blog revival evangelism takes hold then the blogosphere itself will create a conversation worth following and inspire us all.